I: Clarity
by Shimegami-chan
Summary: [I] A boy in turmoil reflects on mistakes he's made and friends he's lost, why he's so alone, and comes to the realization that it's his own fault...


Digimon's not mine. I've built the bridge.  
  
*bursts into tears*   
  
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Shi-chan: An angsty fic, in the style of [Insanity.][1]  
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Clarity  
By Shimegami-chan  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: AU. This is a follow-up to [Insanity,][1] but you don't need to read Insanity first. However, if you like this story and you _want_ to go back and read it, I'm not stoppping you...   
  
_**Important Note!**_  
  
_Don't worry, it won't be here much longer..._   
  
Meet my shameless plugs.  
  
I really wish ff.net would sort the new chapters and the new stories together on the same page. But since that's not going to happen, here's a convienient link to my two serials: ['In Your Shoes,'][2] a Kenyako, chapter 4 updated on May 30, and ['Sadness-Colored Sandglass,'][3] a Kensuke, chapter 12 updated on May 26. I know, I'm leaving people hanging, I meant to write a new chapter of both tonight, but...tomorrow, tomorrow. Thanks minna-san! On with the fic!   
  
  
  
  
  
I am the bearer of Courage.   
  
Or so he says.   
  
  
I am a child trapped in a man's body.   
  
I am a bird trapped in a cage.   
  
I am starving man without without shelter from his own conscience.   
  
I want to think that I'm in utter control, all the time, a little rash but a quick thinker. Clever. Witty. Able to get them out of any situation, rescue them every time. Except, of course, when _he_ intervened.   
  
I was always a little jealous, I'll admit. I accepted that and so did he, but I kept convincing myself that I could have her if I tried, so hard, so hard...   
  
Now I'm sorry. So, so, sorry.  
  
They wouldn't tell me, at first, that he was dead. Maybe they'd thought I hadn't changed in the two years since we came back from _there._ I know, I promised I wouldn't bring it up again, but I've lost my only memories...   
  
Help me.  
  
He died, and she cried. It wasn't that great of a shock to me, that she preferred him. He was Hope itself. He was strong, funny, smart...there were a thousand things that she would have liked, that she didn't see in me. Nobody seemed to see anything in me...except _him._   
  
I'm not saying I was interested in him as more than a friend. I think maybe I could have been, before the breakdown. He was...shattered. We all visited him at first, but it wasn't long before it all just faded away.   
  
Who?  
  
I can't remember...I can't remember anything at all...   
  
He had amethyst eyes and inky hair, and he barely ever smiled. Except for me, and a select few others. But it seems that smile has gone on forever...since he left us, I can barely remember his smile.  
  
I visited him, not too long ago...before they sent me here.   
  
He raved: that was the only word to describe it. He knew me, tentatively at first like a child shyly greets, or an adult speaks to a distant cousin. He knew my name once, but he slipped into the habit of calling me by the name of Courage. I don't know why. He labeled all of us, by our Crests' power, and his partner by the name of Little One or Loyalty.   
  
Loyalty.   
  
It's a trait I'd love to posess.   
  
Lucidity...   
  
Oh yes, Hope. Was that his name? Amazing how easily I go off on a tangent lately. He's moved on, and I'm sad, even though I didn't think anyone expected me to be. How could they, when I never showed anything but contempt and jealousy for the guy? I didn't mean to. But he was always the hero...he was like the leader. He saved the day, got the girl, and I got nothing. It was something that always kept us from being real friends, I think.   
  
He's gone now.   
  
I went to the funeral along with the others, and it was about then that my mother dragged me here. Nothing personal. Maybe she thought I was better friends with him and that his death meant something to me. It did. And I think I was, but that was a silent understanding between us.   
  
What hurt the most was that they thought I didn't care.   
  
_She_ was there, at the funeral. She smiled sadly, but she didn't come near me, just clung to her brother. My idol, my Taichi, was leaning on Yamato's shoulder and crying. _Crying._ I didn't want to cry, of course, boys don't cry. Or so I was told. But I did anyway. _He_ cried, even though he'd been confined for the duration of the illness. Trapped in his own mind, Miyako admitted to me later.   
  
Can't say I'm surprised, we all were, even our poor deluded Kindness.   
  
Kindness. How funny that I refer to him by his crest, as he refers to me by mine. I can't bring myself to say his name out loud anymore.   
  
I would call him by his name to his face, if I ever saw him.   
  
The others think it's painful to talk to him, especially the girls. Maybe they see in him a peice of themselves; something that could happen to them if they lost control of their fragile grips on reality. They're probably right.   
  
I'd see him, if I could. Hope and Kindness, once my dreaded enemies, now my dearest friends and fondest memories. I think Takeru would forgive me, for chasing Hikari. I think Ken would forgive me, for losing my mind.   
  
I'm sorry, Ken.   
  
So here I am, babbling out my life story. Now what? You going to lock me up? Send me to the nuthouse? I doesn't matter, I've lost everything that was important to me anyway.   
  
I'm sorry, Hikari.  
  
It was all my fault, that the group split, that Hikari was angry, probably even Takeru's cancer, Ken's madness, Miyako's rage. My fault.   
  
I'm sorry, Takeru.   
  
Maybe if I had been a better friend, this wouldn't have happened.   
  
Maybe if I had had a little patience, you wouldn't have hated me so.   
  
Maybe I'd have just been better if I'd never been born.   
  
Here lies Motomiya Daisuke, killed by his own stupidity.   
  
I hate you.   
  
I'm sorry.  
  
  
  
  
  
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Shi-chan: I forsee a series of this type of fic, because the plot originally for Daisuke turned into something else that I'm going to use for Iori instead. I've got ones planned for Takeru, Hikari, and Miyako already too. See ya then!

   [1]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=285678
   [2]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&StoryID=278819&Chapter=4
   [3]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&StoryID=229476&Chapter=12



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